Mommy Moment | In Memory Of My Angel Baby 

Hey friends, how are you? I hope all is well. I have had a lot going on, but in the midst of it all, I still have to try to spark a smile. I am actually typing this post with one hand because I had my surgery to remove my cyst this morning. I had a nerve block from the Anesthesiologist for pain control during and after surgery. So my right arm was numb & extremely heavy for 12 hours! So, the struggle is real.

I know I should be resting, but I’ll rest after I write this post. Today is very special because 3 years ago today, May 24, 20014, at 4:32 am, the absolute worst thing happened to me. The thing that I thought could never happen, actually happened… to me. My fourth pregnancy vanished right before my eyes! I didn’t know what to think or how to act. I got up, woke my husband up and said, “it’s happening…”

The pain was so excruciating that I couldn’t walk to the bathroom by myself! I needed Jason to support me. It felt exactly like labor pains. I had deep, piercing back pains that slowly moved to abdominal pain and it had me in tears. I told Jason I didn’t want him to see, so I literally closed him out of the bathroom. I grabbed a towel to block out my screams so I didn’t wake up my kids.  I tried my hardest to believe that the miscarriage wasn’t actually happening & I was just dreaming…

I still remember every single detail. I remember telling myself it’s going to be ok. I remember the strangest cry that sounded like it came from the depths of my soul. Then, I saw the sac and my heart grew so heavy! After it was over, I sat in the bathroom & I felt a sweet presence of peace fill the entire room. I remember leaving the bathroom and sitting at the side of my bed, in the dark in complete silence. Jason, my husband, came and hugged me and cried & said it wasn’t fair. Then I heard a still small voice say, ” this will not happen again… but this had to happen…”

There are a lot of reasons why I could be upset that this happened to me. But there are loads of reasons to be grateful. I had my miscarriage really early in my 1st trimester. I could have had some serious issues with my pregnancies, but I just had an irregular cycle, which lead to a miscarriage. And another reason why I’m grateful is because I ended up carrying full term for my 5th pregnancy. April 26, 2015, I was blessed with my rainbow baby, Lovèah Rose.

The Lesson I Learned

I learned how to trust God with my whole heart. This experience showed me that God heard every cry. He responded to my needs and listened when I just wanted to vent. He held me close in the midnight hour when I was weeping and when I felt like I was losing control of my thoughts. He came to my rescue and saved me with His peace. He gave me a song called Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) by Hillsong United. I played that song on repeat for comfort.

I learned that I should NEVER be upset at God. He knows exactly what He is doing. The miscarriage alone increased my faith level more than I could ever imagine. It forced my attention on God and made me trust in Him completely. When we tried for another baby, I was TERRIFIED! And when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Loveah, I started spotting at church. It was the day of my Baptism and I was crying because I didn’t understand why I would be spotting after what God told me the night I had my miscarriage. How was it that I would lose yet another child? And you know what shut down those fears? Right as I whispered, I’m spotting…in my husband’s ear, the song that God gave me for comfort was sung by our worship team. With the blink of an eye, ALL of my fears were gone and the spotting stopped that day! I got baptized and I came up from the water literally feeling refreshed! I had a new reason to praise God. I had a new story to tell of His goodness and His promise that I would carry a healthy pregnancy. And I am forever thankful.

If you have experienced one or more miscarriages, please don’t give up hope. Yes, it is hard to believe a healthy pregnancy is still doable after losing one or more babies, but don’t give up hope. Put all of your trust in God and be faithful to His Word, and watch Him work a miracle. Even when doctors say it’s impossible, God steps in and proves them wrong!

My Angel will always be in my heart. This day is imprinted in my mind forever. And when I get to heaven, I am going to give him or her the biggest hug ever!! I love you baby.

Until next time, “laugh hard, love harder, capture each moment & sprinkle a little joy in someone else’s life.” – XO Shona